Selfish vs. Needy

• Selfish Series: Part 1 – Stand Up For YourSelf This Christmas
• Selfish Series: Part 2 – Reframing Selfish
• Selfish Series: Part 3 – Ask For What You Want
• Selfish Series: Part 4 – Needy vs. Selfish

It seems that whenever the topic of selfish comes up, right behind it is a fear of appearing “needy,” especially when exercising a new behavior like asking for what you want. And ironically, cultivating healthy selfishness is the only way to begin getting your needs met.

Exploring needs and how to meet them is always a powerful coaching session. I know when I first began my journey, my needs were in charge of so much of my life; my happiness, my contentedness and the experience of fulfillment in many different areas of my life. Unmet needs can be so powerful that there almost seems to be no choice, only that we must get them met. This isn’t a bad thing, we all have needs. How we choose get our needs met is the opportunity worth exploring!

One of the greatest challenges I overcame during my exploration of how I get my needs met was my disappointment in others, especially in my closest relationships. If you spoke to any of my past relationship (friends/partners/family), I’m sure they would agree that I had very high standards and expectations that fear disguised as “my needs.”

My “aha moment”
I can still remember the “aha moment” when I discovered that my needs were my responsibility. Slowly, I embraced this new perspective and took it into my life so that I could experience it and I made some valuable discoveries. The first big discovery I made came from evaluating if how I had been behaving was working for me to get my needs met. What were my primary needs? On a scale of 1-10 (with 10 meaning the need was completely met) how was I doing? I was not scoring well, plain and simple. This created the willingness that allowed me to embrace the exploration of a new perspective beginning with “what other options are available to me?” The invitation had been set before me… move in the direction of self-sufficiency and be responsible for meeting my own needs. What did that look like? How do I do that? There are no quick and easy answers for the last two questions. In fact, part of being a master of my fear means asking those last two questions all the time, using freedom as the framework. The other huge discovery I made about needs came from evaluating my past yet again. When I looked back at what it had cost me to look outside myself to have my needs met, ultimately I ended up compromising my integrity, my values and sometimes my personal safety. The compromise of any of these things at any level was what was disappointing, not the people or situations in my life! And running around in my life not really knowing my needs (because I had never asked myself those questions before) IS WHAT MADE ME NEEDY.

In order to begin taking care of my own needs, I got to practice being selfish and confronting that fear of pissing off the people in my life who found me so accommodating because I was such a Yes girl… meaning “Yes to You means No to Me.” Not any more. It’s true that there were a few relationships that didn’t survive my transformation into healthfully selfish. Yet, when looking back at the cost to stay in that “unmet needy” place, that price was too high. I had to figure out how to begin saying “Yes to me” no matter what the false experience appearing real might be.

So here’s the trick, if you feel like you are being needy, chances are you are not being selfish enough. After practicing being selfish, you find your unmet needs disappear and you actually create a reserve that makes you irresistibly attractive to others. So don’t worry about the new vacancies that might appear during your transformation… those gaps will get filled with people who might actually encourage and support you to say Yes to yourself.

Growth opportunities
This week:

• Look for opportunities to notice and nurture what the clues are that indicate a person is needy vs. healthfully selfish.
• Also, identify five ways you could practice being selfish by saying Yes to you, even if that means others will not get as much as they did once before.
• Take action on one of those items each day.

Tagged as: selfish